Hello World!
Today I would like to share with all of you my one worst obstacles that constantly holds me back in every single aspect of my life. My weight. Yes I know, I am a girl having an issue with her weight.... blah, blah broken record, but my weight has always been a problem for me ever since I was little.
Ever since I can remember, I have had to shop in plus size part of clothing stores. It didn't use to bother me as much as it does now because I was about 20 pounds overweight then, I weighed about 160 pounds, but I started to get teased in the 7th grade. I then become more self-conscious and insecure about what I looked liked and I compared myself to all the "cool/popular" girls in school. To this day I STILL compare myself to other girls. After all the teasing I started to actually look and stare at girls, strangers, celebrities, etc to see what was socially acceptable and pleasing to the eye, because of that I was called a lesbian until I was about in the 10th grade.
During that time between 7th and 10th grade I gained 100 pounds, I now weighed any where between 150 and 175 pounds. I used to be super active and play basketball all the time until high school, then that stopped. I became super depressed and started eating constantly. My mom and dad, along the way, did take me to a nutritionist and mom would take me an all women gym. But nothing, that I can remember would work or I just wasn't up for it, probably because I was depressed. I was soon to learn it was not just depression. To cut to the chase I found out through many blood test, ultra sounds, and an iodine test I had Hoshimoto Thyroiditis.
If you would like to learn more about what each diagnosis is the follow links will tell you.)
(Hoshimoto Thyroiditis -
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hashimotos-disease/basics/definition/con-20030293)
Fast forwarding to me being 19. I gained another 40 pounds, so I weighed about 300 pounds, from an experience I endured and all I did to cope with it was eat. Doing another fast forward to me being 22, I was in a relationship that became very dark and it ended. I then gained about 30 pounds, weighed max of 330 pounds at that point, because I was trying to cope with the decisions I made in that relationship. For the longest time the only way I knew how to cope with anything, was with food.
Stress + Food = Nothing good.
Then last May I was starting to get diagnosed with the rest of my illnesses including Raynauds Phenomenon, Fibromyalgia, Sjogrens, Scleroderma, and the one most recent as of last month of Schamberg's Disease.
(To learn more about what each diagnosis is you can go to the following links.)
(Raynauds Phenomenon -
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/raynauds-disease/basics/definition/con-20022916)
(Fibromyalgia -
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/fibromyalgia/basics/definition/con-20019243)
(Sjogrens Syndrome -
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sjogrens-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20020275)
(Scleroderma -
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/scleroderma/basics/definition/con-20021378)
(Schamberg's Disease -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schamberg_disease)
Coming to present day, I can admit that I am a perfectionist to a fault. Therefore through all of the teasing, having no self confidence, and not knowing how to stand up for myself or knowing who I am.... I have done some major mental damage. I am negative nancy when it comes to myself and anything that I do. I will call myself the most horrible things from Shamu to Jabba the Hutt and that all I was good for was for one thing and one thing only. A add on to all this negativity is that I don't feel like a good enough friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, sister, relative or a good enough person. When "they" say you can be your own worst enemy... they weren't joking. It has caused so many issues to the point were I think I don't deserve anything good in my life, when it comes to work, friends, family, love.... just anything. I don't feel like I do anything to deserve it because I over analyze everything, I have so much anger inside, I am not happy with how I look, and the way I project that is destructive. I self sabotaged practically everything and most of the time, unknowingly. I just want for once in my life to feel pretty and that I could possibly be wanted by any man and feel good enough for them but most importantly, myself. I hate how that sounds so shallow and superficial but it is what it is.
Point is after many tries and giving up of trying to lose weight, I have decided to make an actual effort and I am joining a gym tomorrow. I am super excited that I am going to be working towards seeing a person in the mirror that I actual feel was on the inside of me the entire time. I feel like that will release so much guilt, stress, anger, make my relationships with family and friends so much better, and make the relationship I have with myself a great one.
I need to do this not only for my mental state or confidence or any relationship but for my health. Me being medically obese makes my illnesses much worse than what they need to be. I just hope that this time I will stick with it and it brings me more of a positive mindset, no matter how much I will bitch and complain along the way. I have to do it at this point, I have no choice. If I want the life I dream of, this has to happen.
Wish me luck!
XO,
Joycelynn Ann
(P.S. I am not a very good writer and I am super tired so I do apologize if this blog seemed jumbled.)
